I could pull my living in and live OK, but I don't want to live OK. I'm very happy to live in my penthouse, very happy I can pick up a check, very happy to have a great life and be able to spread my wealth a little bit.
Nobody wants to hear that you met Harry Truman... I met Harry Truman... But you know what I mean? Nobody's interested. They want to know you met Rihanna. And that kills me.
I am never honored. My career is hilarious to me. I am either under the radar or over the radar.
Fat jokes aren't relevant, but they're hilarious when you find them.
You've gotta understand - when you interview someone, it's not an interrogation. It's not the Nuremberg Trials.
I walk on a stage, and I know if it's been a good show or not. You know when it's been a good interview. No one has to tell you. You know it. You feel it. You can feel the air. You can feel everything about it when it's a good show. And you know when you've messed up.
I'm always shocked when I get an invitation. People are always shocked when they see me at a party.
I love Katy Perry! She's very charming.
Before we make love my husband takes a pain killer.
I think I was the third person in the world to get a Kindle, and I hated it from the minute I got it.
I do a lot of lectures on survival. I always say you can't change what happened, so have a little wallow, feel very sorry for yourself, and then get up and move forward. You can't change what happened.
There is not one female comic who was beautiful as a little girl.
Don't tell your kids you had an easy birth or they won't respect you. For years I used to wake up my daughter and say, 'Melissa you ripped me to shreds. Now go back to sleep.'.
Acting is my true love. I would like to have been a serious actor, and I plan to in the next life. I'm gonna be Meryl Streep Rivers.
I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, 'Get the hell off my property.'
I never dwell on what happened. You can't change it. Move forward. Don't waste your energy on being angry at something that somebody did six months ago or a year ago. It's over. Done. Move forward.
Our natures are a lot like oil, mix us with anything else, and we strive to swim on top.
A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she's a tramp.
I hate old people, I hate children. I think any celebrity that adopts a child from a third world country is a fool.
I have a wonderful psychiatrist that I see maybe once a year, because I don't need it. It all comes out onstage.