My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.
The fickleness of the woman I love is only equalled by the infernal constancy of the women who love me.
Woman's dearest delight is to wound Man's self-conceit, though Man's dearest delight is to gratify hers.
The secret of being miserable is to have leisure to bother about whether you are happy or not. The cure for it is occupation.
I work as my father drank.
When I was a young man I observed that nine out of ten things I did were failures. I didn't want to be a failure, so I did ten times more work.
Never believe anything a writer tells you about himself. A man comes to believe in the end the lies he tells himself about himself.
My method is to take the utmost trouble to find the right thing to say, and then to say it with the utmost levity.
It's all that the young can do for the old, to shock them and keep them up to date.
There is no love sincerer than the love of food.
What you are to do without me I cannot imagine.
There are two tragedies in life. One is to lose your heart's desire. The other is to gain it.
When two people are under the influence of the most violent, most insane, most delusive, and most transient of passions, they are required to swear that they will remain in that excited, abnormal, and exhausting condition continuously until death do them part.
Life is no brief candle to me. It is a sort of splendid torch which I have got a hold of for the moment, and I want to make it burn as brightly as possible before handing it on to future generations.
In heaven an angel is no one in particular.
The man who writes about himself and his own time is the only man who writes about all people and all time.
A photographer is like a cod, which produces a million eggs in order that one may reach maturity.
If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.
A pessimist is a man who thinks everybody is as nasty as himself, and hates them for it.