California is a great place to live if you're an orange.
An income tax form is like a laundry list - either way you lose your shirt.
Hollywood is a place where people from Iowa mistake each other for stars.
Radio is a bag of mediocrity where little men with carbon minds wallow in sluice of their own making.
We are living in the machine age. For the first time in history the comedian has been compelled to supply himself with jokes and comedy material to compete with the machine. Whether he knows it or not, the comedian is on a treadmill to oblivion.
A telescope will magnify a star a thousand times, but a good press agent can do even better.
You can take all the sincerity in Hollywood, place it in the navel of a fruit fly and still have room enough for three caraway seeds and a producer's heart.
My uncle is a Southern planter. He's an undertaker in Alabama.
Hanging is too good for a man who makes puns; he should be drawn and quoted.
During the Samuel Johnson days they had big men enjoying small talk; today we have small men enjoying big talk.
I don't have to look up my family tree, because I know that I'm the sap.
My father never raised his hand to any one of his children, except in self-defense.
Imitation is the sincerest form of television.
I learned law so well, the day I graduated I sued the college, won the case, and got my tuition back.
The first thing that strikes a visitor to Paris is a taxi.
Television is a medium because anything well done is rare.
