When the person you love can't see your love for them beneath the painful things you say when they reject you, remember this: Love is blind.
Breaking the circleâ My eyes darken when I see my new lover. Fresh prey. My body doesnât really react in a sexual way. Itâs the devil inside me that celebrates next conquest. We exchange meaningless sweet words. His hungry gaze penetrates my breasts and ass. Another drink and laughter. And then another one. Sometimes I get very drunk or high. And then I donât feel him between my legs. I donât see his sweating face. I donât hear his moans and questions if I came. I canât stay sober when I cheat on you. Iâm such a coward that I canât even face this inner monster. It consumes me, it takes away my dignity. It makes me do horrible things. It hurts you, the only one who ever loved me. Who knows what I really am. No. Itâs not the monster. Itâs me. I am the whore. I dig my nails into your soft flesh until it bleeds. I am the one pushing you away, feasting on your kindness. I blame those hard punches of my past for my infidelity. Those cruel hands. Those hateful words. I try not to, I really do. I try to be a better person. But how can I if I am just nobody? You know why I leave. Yet you stay. Youâre there when Iâm back. With your sorrow and cry and resentment and wrath. Why? If Iâm broken because of my pain whatâs your excuse? Why do you keep letting me treat you like a stray dog? Donât you have any respect for yourself? What the fuck is wrong with you? And just when I think I have my own slave for life you break the circle. You shut the door with a grimace of relief. You canât look at me anymore. See, youâre finally free! My inner innocent girl is happy for you. But the monster inside kicks and laughs at me. Iâm left alone. I dress up and go hunting.
You can turn every ugly and damaging drama into a genuine blessing by seeing it differently. No one is suffering on purpose. We learn to give up the pleasure we feel in self-righteously blaming others. Healing happens when we see things differently. The question is: do you want suffering or peace? It's that simple.