I haven’t been very impressed lately. By people, or places, or the way someone said he loved me and then slowly changed his mind.
You read and write and sing and experience, thinking that one day these things will build the character you admire to live as. You love and lose and bleed best you can, to the extreme, hoping that one day the world will read you like the poem you want to be.
I am a worried person with a stressed-out soul, living a simple life with no capital. I am gathering knowledge in every corner I can with the abilities I have. I'm reading philosophy, politics, history and fiction. Greek tragedies and the arctic waste. I'm studying psychology, economics, plant-based nutrition and I'm writing essays and manifestos, chasing bigger names with bigger frames, to ask a question or two, and I am learning to lead. I am reading to take the lead. Lead who? Myself. My own life. My own future. I'm not chasing you, or them, or anyone else; I am chasing me.
I get so god damn lonely and sad and filled with regrets some days. It overwhelms me as I’m sitting on the bus; watching the golden leaves from a window; a sudden burst of realisation in the middle of the night. I can’t help it and I can’t stop it. I’m alone as I’ve always been and sometimes it hurts…. but I’m learning to breathe deep through it and keep walking. I’m learning to make things nice for myself. To comfort my own heart when I wake up sad. To find small bits of friendship in a crowd full of strangers. To find a small moment of joy in a blue sky, in a trip somewhere not so far away, a long walk an early morning in December, or a handwritten letter to an old friend simply saying ”I thought of you. I hope you’re well.” No one will come and save you. No one will come riding on a white horse and take all your worries away. You have to save yourself, little by little, day by day. Build yourself a home. Take care of your body. Find something to work on. Something that makes you excited, something you want to learn. Get yourself some books and learn them by heart. Get to know the author, where he grew up, what books he read himself. Take yourself out for dinner. Dress up for no one but you and simply feel nice. it’s a lovely feeling, to feel pretty. You don’t need anyone to confirm it. I get so god damn lonely and sad and filled with regrets some days, but I’m learning to breathe deep through it and keep walking. I’m learning to make things nice for myself. Slowly building myself a home with things I like. Colors that calm me down, a plan to follow when things get dark, a few people I try to treat right. I don’t sometimes, but it’s my intent to do so. I’m learning.I’m learning to make things nice for myself. I’m learning to save myself. I’m trying, as I always will.
You know, love is not dependent on circumstances. Love just is. You feel love for someone. You feel a great amount of gratitude towards their soul, their being, because they simply exist and are a part of your life and your world. You just simply love them. Love formed around conditions or circumstances is something else. That’s expectations. Marriage. Silent promises that no one wants to keep saying “I will unconditionally love you on those conditions”. But love just is. I love you. I love the way you live your life. I love that I get to be a part of it. As simply and softly as that.
Growing up takes time and effort.