The journalists have obviously failed to capture my innate magnetism, humour and charisma, and they all need to be fired from their newspapers right away.
Now, as a comic, if you're vaguely amusing you can go straight into TV, then you play the O2 and then everyone's sick of you.
For me, the showbiz memoir is uninteresting - you want to tell people something they don't know about.
People used to think I was just a shouty comic but I was doing stuff about Sartre.
The optimum frequency with which comedians should do a series is every year. I do one every three years. My audience is literally dying off.
First off, I have to mention what is undoubtedly the greatest phenomenon of the modern era: All You Can Eat Buffets.