I can do thisā¦ I can start over. I can save my own life and Iām never going to be alone as long as I have stars to wish on and people to still love.
Let this time in your life cut you open and drain all of the things that are holding you back. Iām going to help you forgive the things that you wonāt let yourself forget.
For so many years, I couldnāt understand why every time I thought that someone finally loved me, likeā¦ for real, they would eventually turn to vapor. Every person whom Iāve ever loved is trapped inside of my chest. Iāve breathed all of them in so deeply that Iāve nearly choked and died on every soul that Iāve ever given myself to.
I look out into the water and up deep into the stars. I beg the sparkling lanterns of light to cure me of myself ā my past and the kaleidoscope of mistakes, failures and wrong turns that have stacked unbearable regret upon my shoulders.
Does our purpose on Earth directly link to the people whom we end up meeting? Are our relationships and experiences actually the required dots that connect and then lead us to our ultimate destinies?
I fantasize the night sky to be like a cosmic blue print of my life as I close my eyes and unbutton my heartā¦. just in case anyone up there is listening.
Something, somewhere, knows whatās best for me and promises to keep sending me people and experiences to light my way as long as I live in gratitude and keep paying attention to the signs.
Iāve grown up defined by this desperate, undeniable, ācanāt breatheā kind of space inside of myself and Iām afraid that the diagnosis is fatal.
Iāve always seen this in you, ever since you were a little girl ā this hunger to love other people into their highest selves and itās what has made me irreversibly and just so forever in love with you.
Pleaseā¦ Whoever you are, whatever you areā¦ I believe in you even though I donāt completely understand you. I feel you around me even though I canāt exactly describe what Iām feeling. Sometimes things happen to me and I know that youāre there and Iām humbled by the lack of coincidence that exists in the world. Whatever you want from me, itās yours ā just please help me. You know how I get when I lose control, and I find myself constantly being pulled back there these days.
I feel a resurgence of my 6-year-old selfā¦ that little warrior, goddess of a girl reminding me of who I was when I was little, before the world got its hands on me.
I know that this process of āme changing my lifeā doesnāt just end once I set fire to this list of things I hate about myself. Tonight isnāt as much of a new beginning as it is a violent end and I know the real work hasnāt even started yet.
Iām going to follow this invisible red thread until I find myself againā¦ until I finally figure outā¦ who Iām meant to be.
If ever I was running, it was towards you.
I love him in ways that I canāt explain to other people. They donāt understandā¦ itās not their fault.
I really believe that there is an invisible red thread tied between him and me, and that it has stretched and tangled for years ā across oceans and lifetimes. I know that it wonāt break because our souls are tied.