Sometimes people begin, discover how much pain and fear they are holding, and adaptively decide to take whatever gains they have made and stop. Occasionally we reach the limits of our competence or capacity and must help one of people find someone or a nest of people who can hold their wounds when we can't. We could likely add other situations in which we have parted with someone early in the relationship or at a time that seemed premature. All of this is part of human limitation in both of us.
Live your life, sing your song. Not full of expectations. Not for the ovations. But for the joy of it.
All the external adoration, respect and adulation in the word, can't drown out the internal voices that tell us, we are not good enough and unworthy of; happiness, love and an abundant life. When we need others to tell us were amazing, worthy and lovable, in order to feel good about ourselves, it is never enough. It goes into the bottomless pit where our inherent self-worth should be. It may feel like we are reaching out to receive love, but in actuality, we are seeking external noise to help drown out our negative core beliefs. Love blossoms from the inside out. That is why it is so important to do the work necessary to heal our emotional wounds, to love ourselves and stand strong in who we are. Only then, are we truly free to give and receive love, unconditionally and in abundance.
I can do thisā¦ I can start over. I can save my own life and Iām never going to be alone as long as I have stars to wish on and people to still love.
Let this time in your life cut you open and drain all of the things that are holding you back. Iām going to help you forgive the things that you wonāt let yourself forget.
For so many years, I couldnāt understand why every time I thought that someone finally loved me, likeā¦ for real, they would eventually turn to vapor. Every person whom Iāve ever loved is trapped inside of my chest. Iāve breathed all of them in so deeply that Iāve nearly choked and died on every soul that Iāve ever given myself to.
I look out into the water and up deep into the stars. I beg the sparkling lanterns of light to cure me of myself ā my past and the kaleidoscope of mistakes, failures and wrong turns that have stacked unbearable regret upon my shoulders.
Does our purpose on Earth directly link to the people whom we end up meeting? Are our relationships and experiences actually the required dots that connect and then lead us to our ultimate destinies?
I fantasize the night sky to be like a cosmic blue print of my life as I close my eyes and unbutton my heartā¦. just in case anyone up there is listening.
Something, somewhere, knows whatās best for me and promises to keep sending me people and experiences to light my way as long as I live in gratitude and keep paying attention to the signs.
Iāve grown up defined by this desperate, undeniable, ācanāt breatheā kind of space inside of myself and Iām afraid that the diagnosis is fatal.
Iāve always seen this in you, ever since you were a little girl ā this hunger to love other people into their highest selves and itās what has made me irreversibly and just so forever in love with you.
Pleaseā¦ Whoever you are, whatever you areā¦ I believe in you even though I donāt completely understand you. I feel you around me even though I canāt exactly describe what Iām feeling. Sometimes things happen to me and I know that youāre there and Iām humbled by the lack of coincidence that exists in the world. Whatever you want from me, itās yours ā just please help me. You know how I get when I lose control, and I find myself constantly being pulled back there these days.
I feel a resurgence of my 6-year-old selfā¦ that little warrior, goddess of a girl reminding me of who I was when I was little, before the world got its hands on me.
I know that this process of āme changing my lifeā doesnāt just end once I set fire to this list of things I hate about myself. Tonight isnāt as much of a new beginning as it is a violent end and I know the real work hasnāt even started yet.
Iām going to follow this invisible red thread until I find myself againā¦ until I finally figure outā¦ who Iām meant to be.
If ever I was running, it was towards you.
I love him in ways that I canāt explain to other people. They donāt understandā¦ itās not their fault.