Something, somewhere, knows whatās best for me and promises to keep sending me people and experiences to light my way as long as I live in gratitude and keep paying attention to the signs.
Iāve grown up defined by this desperate, undeniable, ācanāt breatheā kind of space inside of myself and Iām afraid that the diagnosis is fatal.
They want us to be afraid. They want us to be afraid of leaving our homes. They want us to barricade our doors and hide our children. Their aim is to make us fear life itself! They want us to hate. They want us to hate 'the other'. They want us to practice aggression and perfect antagonism. Their aim is to divide us all! They want us to be inhuman. They want us to throw out our kindness. They want us to bury our love and burn our hope. Their aim is to take all our light! They think their bricked walls will separate us. They think their damned bombs will defeat us. They are so ignorant they donāt understand that my soul and your soul are old friends. They are so ignorant they donāt understand that when they cut you I bleed. They are so ignorant they donāt understand that we will never be afraid, we will never hate and we will never be silent for life is ours!
Iāve always seen this in you, ever since you were a little girl ā this hunger to love other people into their highest selves and itās what has made me irreversibly and just so forever in love with you.
Pleaseā¦ Whoever you are, whatever you areā¦ I believe in you even though I donāt completely understand you. I feel you around me even though I canāt exactly describe what Iām feeling. Sometimes things happen to me and I know that youāre there and Iām humbled by the lack of coincidence that exists in the world. Whatever you want from me, itās yours ā just please help me. You know how I get when I lose control, and I find myself constantly being pulled back there these days.
I feel a resurgence of my 6-year-old selfā¦ that little warrior, goddess of a girl reminding me of who I was when I was little, before the world got its hands on me.
I know that this process of āme changing my lifeā doesnāt just end once I set fire to this list of things I hate about myself. Tonight isnāt as much of a new beginning as it is a violent end and I know the real work hasnāt even started yet.
Iām going to follow this invisible red thread until I find myself againā¦ until I finally figure outā¦ who Iām meant to be.
If ever I was running, it was towards you.
I love him in ways that I canāt explain to other people. They donāt understandā¦ itās not their fault.
I really believe that there is an invisible red thread tied between him and me, and that it has stretched and tangled for years ā across oceans and lifetimes. I know that it wonāt break because our souls are tied.
I just want your voice aimed at me again. I want to absorb the direction of your eyesā¦
Everything hurts right now and nothing is helping because as the pain is getting worse ā so is the love.
I want you to trust yourself, baby. Love is all that matters and youāve always known that. Youāve known, since you were a very little girl, what your life is meant to be aboutā¦
After you hear and listen. First must come desire. Second must come willingness. Third should come understanding. Fourth should come progression and with progression will come more understanding.
I know that your soul is on life support and that you feel lost and like youāre completely spinning out of control, but youāre finding yourself ā here, tonightā¦ even in this darkness.